Navigating Relationships

So here I am. I have prayed and thought seriously about what I need to share. I concluded that one of my biggest struggles over the past 18 months have been my relationships and my voice; how the two have become increasingly difficult. Why are relationships difficult? I'm not focusing on acquaintances or insignificant relationships. I'm speaking to the deep and lasting friendships, family or otherwise. Especially during the pandemic, I have witnessed a hostility and brashness I haven't seen before. I have often time felt very alone, when, I would have thought it a time to band together and love on each other. My voice has found a purpose; to share my thoughts, my viewpoint (whether right or wrong, aligning or opposite), and to advocate for myself and those around me.

During this process I have made mistakes, allowed my emotions to get the best of me, yet my intentions have always been from a place of truth-seeking, growth and good intention. As I have ventured forward, I will say it has been lonely, I've felt ostracized when all I wanted was to be heard. No intention to debate, to criticize, but rather share a perspective, hoping those in my circle would at the very least listen and respect my voice. Unfortunately, while some have, some have not. Part of my journey has been being okay with losing friendships, friendships changing, dropping expectations, and setting healthy boundaries.

The nuggets I've learned:

1. When you share what matters to you, always expect opposition, defensiveness, divisiveness, and learn to be okay with that. Just as I may read or see something appalling from someone who may have a different viewpoint, this does not mean their viewpoint isn't valid. Unless they are hurting someone, I need to be okay to disagree. I also need to be okay with how others react and respond to me. I am only in control of my own behaviour, not those around me. Release it, let it go, and breath. This is a good thing.
   
   
2. Friendship's ebb and flow, and sometimes we must let go of relationships that hurt, bruise, and destroy our peace. A relationship that does not edify, lift, and encourage is not a healthy relationship. We need to be okay to say the hard things in love, share our hearts, and feel safe doing so. If this is missing, maybe it's time to get the scissors. I am not suggesting that when the going gets tough we quickly amputate. I am simply saying, if there is only one person listening, filling up the tank, and respecting the other, it could be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
   
   
3. Boundaries are vital to all relationships. If you are a people pleaser like me, relationships can get messy, perspectives muddled, and before you know it, you've overcommitted, continued to be abused by a relationship, and perhaps your spirit has been trampled on. I am learning to set healthy boundaries in my relationships. It is super tough. I now know It is not okay to be berated, not okay to be the fall guy/girl, and never okay to be abused in any way. Do you have any life sucking relationships, one-sided relationships, or abusive ones? True friendships can tolerate and respect boundaries. They can love you and accept you even when you think differently. If you clearly and lovingly set healthy boundaries, not only will you find freedom, but you will also have peace. It clearly teaches that person where your line is, and what is and isn't okay with you. We should not be assuming others understand intuitively what is and isn't appropriate.
   
   
4. I must focus on my thoughts, feelings, and responses in my relationships. I have control over my thinking, words, and actions. This comes with a great responsibility. It is not about me, not about my agenda, not about getting the last word, not about being defensive, and certainly not about being divisive.
   
   
5. I need to be a vessel of love and acceptance for those around me. We are all different, we think different, we make different choices, yet we often have a hard time loving when someone doesn't think like we do. As I mentioned earlier, I have experienced a lot of hostility and bullying for sharing information and speaking up for my beliefs. It really doesn't surprise me, yet it hurts so much, like daggers in my heart. Not because of the different opinion, but the way I've been spoken to, void of tolerance, void of open mindedness, and love. I have had to choose to respond in love and tolerance when I've often felt like fighting. I have also had to shut down conversation, delete a post, and step back from some of these relationships. This has been hard, but the lessons I have learned is what matters.

Relationship is the greatest gift God gave us. Our relationship with God, (if you believe), family, and our friendships, are the basis for our lives. When healthy, they provide love, support, non-judgement, respect, and tolerance. When we can emulate a posture of humility and love, we can create an atmosphere of joy and peace. When we live to be right, live as a victim, and create divisiveness, we not only hurt others, but ourselves.

I urge you in a time such as this, look at your relationships, look at your own behaviour, reassess what is working and what needs to change. Are you filling up others with positivity and love, or creating drama and division? Are those relationships most important to you also filling your tank and feeding into your life positively? Are there people who are hurting you, sucking you dry, and crossing your boundaries? If they can be fixed, then do the work; if not, then take a sabbatical from that relationship. It's okay……I promise it is.

Look at our world. Love one another, cherish all you have, and make the world better. Stand on the pedestal and speak your truth. I may not agree, but I will love you despite it. If I am out of line, tell me. If I offend you, tell me. If I need to step up more, tell me. Tell me in love and with respect, and I promise I will do that same.