Does it shine bright in all the places, or is the twinkle so small, it is hard to hold. For many years, hearing, "let your light shine", or "you'll find your light again", evoked an inner fury. I loathed the reflection of what I did not possess; my misplaced opinions, frustration and irritation was not the fault of all the shiny people out there. I was, in no other words, broken. I was not missing any parts, no replacements needed, I was in a state of malfunction. I forgot how to really feel…. okay truth, I did not want to feel. To feel meant I had to face the malfunction, to admit I was less than the expectations of others. Let me be real, most of the expectations we feel are self induced, false belief systems, and personal pressure. Do not know about you, but I am a people pleaser. If this resonates, then you understand the immense pressure to fulfill this job description. It is a thankless position void of boundaries, self-care, and robs every ounce of identity within you. We are dang good at telling ourselves to suck it up and keep going, until we cannot anymore.
It was November 2016 when my reckoning happened. A dark, stressful career, personal loss, and too much "people pleasing" abruptly pushed me over my cliff. My "face my feelings" moment came like a Mack truck, and there was no option for me to hide in the wreckage. My husband, aka: my rock and my littles, who are not so little anymore, bet the farm on me getting my shit together. And so, I spent 4 years trying to find my light in the overwhelming darkness. It was relentless, all consuming, paranoia inducing, and at times that light at the end seemed to be just as far away. Throughout this "epic" journey, I learned a lot about me, about my default settings, belief systems, convictions, perseverance, forgiveness of others and self, and that even a massive wreck can be cleaned up. What comes out the other side is not the same, it is refined, it may look a little, or a lot different than before, but all the grooves in the road, and every scar can be made beautiful again, just different, better, a new and improved self.
My passion comes from my journey, and I will only give you authentic. One of the biggest lessons I have learned, is that who I am….is who I am. Take me or leave me. I make no apologies, because I am fearlessly and wonderfully made, in the image of my maker, where all my help comes from. My wholeness came from a place of broken. I will continue to share my story, encourage you all to be who you were created to be, and show you that you can, "Find Light in Dark Spaces"!
My hope is that you can find the hope and light you seek to create your story, knowing you are surrounded by a community, (me for starters), who will rally beside you, no matter the time, journey, or cost. Thank you for following my journey of rediscovery, health, happiness, and wholeness.